Couples Counseling
They’re all such attractive characters…
Lucy and Ricky, Rachel and Ross, Mitchell and Cam… and my personal favorite couple: Carrie and Big from Sex and The City.
They’re all such attractive characters with their shiny hair, flawless makeup, designer clothing, toned bodies (well, maybe not Cam)… their stylish homes, interesting jobs, supportive friends and families, plenty of disposable income, etc.
Maybe your relationship looks good to the outside world, too.
Your Facebook page is filled with smiling photos, happy times, and those perfect evenings with friends.
Your pictures of that trip to the beach, those happy-hour margaritas, and your faithful old dog attract hundreds of “likes” on your Instagram account.
But your relationship exists outside the realm of social media.
Those TV couples we mentioned earlier? They all had something in common that you’ll never have in YOUR relationship. After 30 minutes… or 60 minutes… or a critically panned 2-hour movie, their problems stop. Poof! They’re gone.
… until the next time you tune in, and there is some new issue that will also resolve within its given time slot.
If only real life were so easy.
But you remember when it WAS easy.
You remember when the two of you used to flirt… and laugh… and share silly inside jokes.
You could communicate in a crowd with a simple facial gesture, and you both knew exactly what was being said. You couldn’t wait for Friday night and wanted nothing more than to spend time together.
When did all that change?
Why is it now so difficult to connect? Where is that young couple that was so in love and cared so much about each other? Where did they go?
It all feels so empty… so disappointing… so lonely.
Somewhere along the way, it seems as though you and your partner ran out of steam. It feels like neither of you cares anymore.
Part of you feels sad because you miss the way the two of you used to be. Snuggling on the couch, a movie, an occasional weekend trip to the coast… the long talks and shared dreams for your future… that all seems like someone’s else’s life now.
Part of you feels angry and resentful that your relationship has reached this point. You used to be so in love and best friends – now you’re more like roommates. And don’t even mention sex! When did sex become one more thing on your “To Do” list? Sex used to be so fun! And sexy! Where did that couple go? What happened to the promises you made to each other? Were those just words?
And part of you feels scared – really scared. You can’t imagine a life without your partner, but you also can’t imagine a life where things stay as they are.
And it’s not that you haven’t tried. You have.
You’ve struggled to talk about your relationship.
That conversation went nowhere fast. It is as though you can’t hear each other anymore. You both want to fix things and improve your relationship, but you can’t seem to have a conversation without it turning into a heated argument.
Past hurts get brought up repeatedly, and the same problems continue to gnaw away at your relationship.
The two of you used to be able to talk about everything. Now it seems you don’t talk about anything. Is this how the next 30, 40, or even 50 years are going to be? Surely things can be better than this. They have to be.
“Relationships are like yard sales”…
That’s a funny line I read the other day. Here’s what it said:
“Relationships are like yard sales: They look great from a distance but, when you get up close, you realize it’s just a bunch of crap you don’t want.”
Hmmmm… maybe. But here’s the counterpoint to that sentiment:
If it’s someone else’s yard sale, then, yes, move on. What do you want with their old chipped dishes and board games? But if it’s your yard sale, then you may want to slow down just a minute. Take inventory.
Are there some treasures in this pile you’d like to hang on to? Are there some things that may need a few repairs? Maybe there are some items that truly no longer fit, in which case we can toss them out.
But it doesn’t make sense to sell everything in the house.
This is what couples therapy is all about…
It’s about taking a step back, reassessing, and getting a clear picture of what’s going on. It’s about determining what’s worth keeping, what’s worth repairing and treasuring, and what needs to go.
We begin this process with a 90-minute initial session in which we talk about your history as a couple and identify some of the things you each learned about being in a relationship from your respective families of origin.
Between our first and second sessions, you will independently complete an online assessment that covers a broad range of relationship issues. We divide our second session into two 45-minute individual sessions where you each have a chance to ask questions and express any concerns about therapy.
In our third session, I provide detailed feedback and an assessment from the information gathered thus far. We discuss my treatment plan recommendations and collaborate on goals. I use Gottman Method Couples Therapy as the basis for the work I do with couples. It is an evidence-based model with more than 30 years of research and data supporting its effectiveness. Depending on your particular challenges, we will address those issues that have brought you to therapy in the first place.
One of the most valuable skills you will learn in couples therapy is Mindful Communication. You will develop simple but powerful practices to build healthy, effective, and satisfying ways of communicating. So often, we run on autopilot and respond habitually relying on old habits. We fail to hear one another. Often, we are not able to express ourselves in an open, honest, and direct manner.
In simplest terms, Mindful Communication involves understanding the needs of each partner and negotiating the strategies for having those needs met. Most couples are surprised to learn their arguments and lack of intimacy are often about unidentified and, therefore, unmet needs.
I will help you find this clarity by teaching you to identify your own needs and those of your partner, express these clearly, and devise a strategy for meeting these needs effectively. Learning effective communication is the first step toward building a solid, successful, and intimate relationship.
When you’ve been working from a foundation that involves years of stalled communication, disappointment, simmering anger, and the overall stress we call “life,” you end up with a lot of layers piled on top. This pent-up accumulation is why couples therapy can feel so overwhelming.
But there’s good news: All of this can be addressed.
Our goal is not to “go back to the way things were.” Rather, our goal is to create a new relationship, one that is relevant for who you and your partner are today. A relationship in which you feel heard, valued, and connected.
I will help you move past the repetitive arguments, the hurt feelings, and the lack of intimacy by teaching you to connect in a new way. Understanding your motivations and those of your partner, along with the ability to express your own needs healthily and directly, will bring the dynamics of your relationship into focus.
Actions begin to make sense, words have meaning and direction, you’re on the same page, and it feels so good… finally.
Give your relationship the chance to flourish.
If you and your partner have been struggling to stay on the same page, it may be time to work with a professional.
Take the opportunity to learn about yourself… to learn about each other. I offer a free, 20-minute phone consultation. Call me and let’s see if we’re a good fit to work together.
Call today and let’s get started: (601) 498-8263.